My heart has also been aching, and NOT because I have a heart condition. Between you, my readers, and me, it wouldn't surprise me one bit if it, too, has decided to be an asshole. -- Wait, no, that's just my hair. He's an asshole.
But I digress, I'm not here to bitch and whine about the infinite little things that have been keeping me down lately. I am here to share another lesson I'm coping with.
Life is short. Superbly, miserably short.
When I was younger and floundering about my faith, I stumbled upon a book about palm reading. In it, obviously, it went into a lot of detail as to what individual lines in our hands meant. We are born with some lines, very important ones, on our less dominant hand and it is believed that these are remnants of our past life. These are physical representations of our karmic baggage-- people and lessons we need to cope with in this life time.
This theory got me thinking at a young age. It opened up my eyes to the simple intricacies of life and their meaning. I'm not talking about those mile stones of life where one meets the love of their lives, gets the job of their dreams, has a child, blah blah blah. I'm talking about the more mundane things, those little things that nobody ever thinks about or realize how they shape our lives. Yeah.. Those. Just how we take indoor plumbing for granted, we take people for granted. We don't realize what they mean to us until it is too late.
See, people come into our lives for a reason. It is up to us to be open to the lessons we're supposed to learn. Some of them are painful (Yes, yes, I am talking about you, Friend, who took my heart and shattered it. Don't worry, I am not bitter anymore. I learned a lot from that and now I just miss the friendship we once had.), some are bitter sweet like the memories of Michelle -- a young girl with Downs who was constantly bullied in elementary school and became my first American friend. We couldn't really talk, but she'd hold my hand. She'd hug me when I cried and often stood up for me when I got bullied. Just like she came into my life, she was gone, having moved away without a goodbye. She's my Strength, that little voice in the back of my head that helps me to stand up for what I believe in.
Lately, though, I have been smacked upside the head with this reminder not once, but twice.
I have a friend in hospice care. I can't visit and our chats on facebook are random and rare. Any time I see his name on chat box my heart skips a beat. Is today the day that I get notification that he's gone? I hate this feeling, this anxiety that eats away at me. For a while, I was angry, upset, frustrated that I *was told*... and that there was nothing I could do but start saying my goodbyes early.
With my body falling apart, and my heart saddened by losing a friend whose infectious laughter and saucy commentary made work bearable, I was content hiding. I tried to numb myself to the prospect of losing him. I was happy going about my routine when I wasn't trying sleep away whatever was bothering me that given day.
Then the other shoe dropped. My heart skipped. I have been staring at my messenger for a few hours, reading the conversation over and over again. Its so... surreal. Why the hell do people tell me these things?! WHY?
Because they care about me. Because I mean something to them. I am as special to them as they are to me. Because, in the past, I've taken people for granted.
I am now sitting here, trying really hard not to cry while I relive the last hour or so. Again, I've been smacked by Life and her lessons. "People come and go," she says "some go on with their lives and others don't. Cherish them while they're still here."
Okay. Fine. I'll stop ignoring it. I'll stop fighting what I can't fight. I'll just accept it. I'll just let it be.
I'm still trying to figure out if knowing that its coming and finally saying goodbye was/is better than being told later that the fight is over. I feel guilty for mourning and not even knowing... I'm dreading the words and all I can do right now is cry in anticipation. I think I'm going to go cuddle up to Manthing. I need life around me. -Carol 'Ilayra' Ellars.
So, Carol of Yesterday, I have found the answer: It is better to know ahead of time. This way, you can make the choices necessary to avoid the regret of missing out on all the things that will eventually eat at you. If you thought sticking your head in the sand was the way to go, you'll be more sorry the moment you can't ignore it anymore.
Carol of Tomorrow, take a note from your favorite band, The Beatles, and take this sad song. Make it better.
To my dearest friend, regardless of what tomorrow brings and what will or will not be concluded next year, we will sing. We will dance. We will see everything that we can and we will document *everything*. Because life is too damned short.
To the rest of my friends, you know, the ones I have not culled out of my life, I promise to reach out to you more often. I will make the effort to talk to you, see you, spend time with you. I will double my efforts to not hide in my pain anymore. I will do what I can to be open and not build walls around me again because... I don't want to find myself alone again, having spent the best years of my life in solitude because I was too afraid to get hurt.
Yours,
Carol of Today.
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