Kintsugi

Growing up, Mom told me a story using a vase as an example for a relationship. She went on to say that sometimes, relationships are broken and can be mended but eventually they get irreparably damaged and I should be mindful of my actions.

Over the years I have seen how this is true, chiefly in the relationship with myself. I have always said that I am my biggest enemy; I am my worst detractor; I am my worst friend. I often most set myself up for failure because some part of me is afraid of success. As I have mentioned before I tend to live my life in fear of one thing or another, usually without me knowing.

The last few weeks have been awful. I felt like my reality was slipping. But those of you who know me in real life, I am stubborn as hell and I don't go down easily. I may not have the same wild chutzpah I once had as a teenager (holy hell if I was a ball of anger back then) but it is still there. Sometimes I joke that I must be a masochist because I keep facing my fears because I refuse to let them define me.

Yes. I am the person who wants to go sky diving because I am deathly afraid of heights (sorry Bobby!). I want to go on a hot air balloon ride despite the fact that my palms are sweaty and I feel like throwing up at the thought. So... why am I letting my anxiety get the best of me?

Have I become irreparably damaged? Have I broken myself to the point that there is nothing to salvage?

Crazy talk.

A few years ago, I had heard about Kintsugi when I was reading about wabi-sabi (not to be confused with wasabi, the horseradish paste). And as usual, I tucked that information away and continued down the rabbit hole of encyclopedias and internet articles because... that's what happens when boredom strikes. I remember being intrigued at the notion.

Wabi-sabi is the Japanese philosophy of embracing the flawed or imperfect. It resonated with me because I *do* like the flawed or imperfect. I find perfection to be boring and the little flaws of every day life are interesting. I feel this way about every day objects, nature and people. In fact, it is because of this notion that I find it easier to get to know people, make friends... eventually fall in love. Honestly, this is why I love photography so much; I like to capture the flaws because I find them beautiful. Some people may abhor wrinkles and grey hair. I find them sexy as fuck.

Kintsugi takes this philosophy into practical application. It is the art of repairing lacquerwear with gold in such a way that it makes a broken piece whole again. In emphasizes the cracks and holes in such a way that the broken piece is not only beautiful, but functional.

The concept came to mind on Sunday night, when I found myself curled up in bed trying desperately not to cry. My best friend was sleeping on the other room and I did not want to wake her although my anxiety was starting to get the best of me. I knew it would only be a matter of hours until I could see my husband again and I'd feel better but since we had failed to come up with a time for me to look forward to, I was floundering.  I was cracking and starting to fall apart.

A part of me seriously thought I was just bat shit insane and was the protagonist of an M. Night Shyamalan  movie where it is discovered that I am a widower for several years, my husband having died in a terrible camping accident. My best friend is really my shrink and we're doing some form of therapy to get me past my trauma.

But before I could fall victim to the paranoia, I began to fill the cracks with the facts I already knew.

I am cracked and broken... but mother was wrong. As long as the vase is not pulverized, it can be put back together, the holes filled and polished.